How to fix the NBA's Slam Junk Competition

For the first time in a very long time, the NBA's Slam Dunk Competition didn't have my heart racing as if I'd just wakeboarded through a shark tank. Instead, it left an aftertaste in my mouth that even Everclear and listerine couldn't wash out.

I wanna say this first: I don't have a problem with short guys. At my current height of 5'8", on a good day, it's inbred in me to cheer for the short guys. I love Darren Sproles, J.J. Barea, David Eckstein, Martin Short, Michael J. Fox, Tom Cruise and a slew of other midgetesque entertainers.

Sproles is that shifty running back that defenses lose sight of as soon as he hits the line of scrimmage. Barea makes seemingly impossible reverse layups over giant like statues of defenders. Eckstein was the improbable MVP of the 2006 World Series despite being overlooked by many teams his entire career. Short went virtually unnoticed during the better part of the 80's until his lead role alongside Danny Glover in the 1989 blockbuster, Pure Luck. Fox is Canadian. Cruise is some sort of demigod within his own religion...or something like that.

These guys are all role models for us short guys. The unwritten code among short guys goes something like this: We always have each others back. No matter what. Whether it's for an Emmy, Grammy, MVP, re-election, back-alley fight, it doesn't matter.

After the past three years of watching a midget should-be gymnast, Nate Robinson, win the NBA Slam Dunk Competition, I've had enough. The code can no longer interfere with my passion for the NBA and their celebrated "larger" than life competition. I'm putting my foot down and begging for a new rule to be enforced..."You must be this tall to ride this ride". Please, Mr. Stern.

The "show" that was put on last night by a midget and three nobodies was the most disappointing professional skills competition since they had pro athletes on American Gladiators. About midway through the second round, Charles Barkley said it best, "These guys better show us something before the crowd gets up and walks out." I'm sure the execs at TNT cringed when Chuck busted out with his disappointing comments, but he was simply stating the obvious.

If that's the best the NBA has to offer when it comes to a dunking competition, maybe they need to provide some incentives for the real big boys to come out and play. There was no way in hell that LeBron James or Kobe Bryant was going to compete in last night's dunk contest against a midget and a bunch of nobodies. What was there to gain?

In the 80's and 90's the dunk contest was all about pride and becoming a legend by doing something creative that no one had ever seen before. Think about guys like Dee Brown, Shawn Kemp, Harold Miner, Isaiah Rider, or Vince Carter. They will always be remembered more for their dunks than anything else they've accomplished on the court. Nowadays, the guys like LeBron and Kobe don't want to compete, because if they embarrass themselves, their ego would take a big hit and it might affect their current "legendary status". So, they play it safe.

Let me ask you something, why is LeBron already considered a legend in the same breath as Michael Jordan? Simply, the NBA's marketing juggernaut alongside Nike have made everyone believe that he's more of a legend than he really is. He has zero championships (Jordan had 6). He has two bronze medals and one gold (Jordan won two gold). He has one scoring title (Jordan had 10 scoring titles and an NCAA title). He's never won defensive player of the year. He's won zero slam-dunk competitions (Jordan won two). What I'm saying here is that he's not even close to Jordan and he never will be.

I don't care if he's only 25. He'll never catch up to Jordan in any of these categories...except one, the dunk contest. Lebron has the opportunity to seal his place in NBA folklore with some jaw dropping dunk contest performances that will put him in the same breath as Kobe and Jordan, even if he never wins a championship. But, if he doesn't win a championship or a dunk contest, he'll go down in history as the most selfish, over-hyped, over-rated player to ever play in the NBA.

Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban has a great idea for fixing the dunk contest. He says to put up a million dollars and a super sports car and have a no holds barred winner take all contest . Anyone in the NBA can sign up. You get one dunk. Best dunk wins. The cash goes to the charity of their choice and the player keeps the car. Everyone would watch that, right? I believe that most of the big names in the NBA, including an arthritic Shaquille O'Neal, would compete in it.

Let me know what you think. Did you guys even watch the dunk contest last night? Did you not tune in because of the poor quality of dunkers? Did you tivo it like me and were damn glad that you didn't watch it live? Did you just not care at all?

Root for Peyton Manning because I said so!

Today, I'm giving you all about 45 minutes of entertainment/ brainwashing just before tomorrow's big game. Because the game is between the Colts and the Saints, I feel like a ton of people are searching for a rooting interest during the big game and ESPN's unbiased coverage isn't helping.

Consider today's post as an educational sermon on why this year's Super Bowl has way more outside factors influencing which camp football fans outside of New Orleans and Indianapolis should join. If anything, you can take away that I'm giving you guys a cheaper way to be interested in the Super Bowl as opposed to making silly prop bets in Vegas or dumping 20 bucks into an office pool.

5 Reasons to watch Super Bowl XLIV and root for the Colts:

1. Peyton Manning. This video is a great clip of Peyton Manning mic'd up during a game against the St. Louis Rams. It really shows how passionate and emotional he can be when faced with adversity. It's also pretty funny how he comes back down to earth as soon as his 332 lb left tackle, Tarik Glenn tells him to sit down. Click here
2. Peyton Manning. Before his breakthrough on SNL, Manning was perceived as that silver spooned kid that never made mistakes and was always politically correct. Even I couldn't stand Peyton Manning. My favorite QB growing up, Steve Young, already had that throne in my book. I remember being a Tom Brady fan because he played the mysterious, overachieving underdog that didn't take flak from anybody. He also happened to date supermodels....and impregnate movie stars, simultaneously. Manning's SNL skit tipped the scales in his favor, especially after this United Way commercial.
3. Peyton, Eli, and Archie Manning. By far the greatest karaoke song.
4. Hitler loves the Colts. Especially Peyton Manning.
5. Peyton Manning's audibles are in Gaelic.

5 Reasons to Root against the Saints

1. Reggie Bush. How can you root for a guy that dates Kim Kardashian, went to college in Southern California, got paid to play college football, destroyed the credibility of his Alma-mater's football program, and won the Heisman Trophy over Vince Young in 2005? The only consolation out there for Reggie Bush haters would have to be this.
2. New Orleans is a dirty sodomy filled city. Been there twice and hated it both times.
3. Sean Payton. When he was Offensive Coordinator here for our beloved Cowboys, I clearly remember him calling ridiculous plays in the worst situations. The most memorable being a 4th and goal from the 1 yd line situation, down by 4, under a minute left against the Chargers. What came next? Fade route to to Keyshawn Johnson. Incomplete pass. Now all of the sudden he's the hottest coach in the NFL.
4. Saints - Party in the MIA Remix. Wow. Not only was the Miley Cyrus version lame, but this is without question the worst Super Bowl pep song ever.
5. Katrina. Get over it. It was almost 5 years ago and we're still hearing about how devastating it was. Let me ask you this...Did you ever once hear a New Yorker try to convince anyone to pull for the Yankees or the Giants after 9-11? How about the Oklahoma City Thunder? Do they request any sort of charity from the fallout of the Oklahoma City bombing of the 90's? All over ESPN they're covering how the city NEEDS this Super Bowl victory for it's rebuilding efforts. Um, no. You need to build a city somewhere that doesn't require levies and doesn't get blasted by Cat 5 hurricanes every 5 years. Think about this...after all of the money that was poured into the rebuilding effort by the federal, state, and local governments, not to mention individual contributions and volunteer hours, what are they going to do if they win tomorrow? Have a $2-3 million Super Bowl parade? On who's dime? Maybe they should have it Houston (where most of the city's population moved to after the storm), or possibly in San Antonio (where the Saints practiced and relocated to for the remainder of the 2005 season).

My point is that just because the city suffered through a tragedy doesn't mean that the rest of the nation has to jump on the bandwagon. The team's success has nothing to do with how the city is represented. Just look at Buffalo, Detroit, Cleveland, Minneapolis, Kansas City. If your team's success determined the general feeling of the city, then these cities would very high suicide rates, unemployment rates (sorry Detroit), etc.

If you couldn't care less about anything that I rambled on and on about...just root for Peyton Manning because he's a good guy.