How to fix the NBA's Slam Junk Competition

For the first time in a very long time, the NBA's Slam Dunk Competition didn't have my heart racing as if I'd just wakeboarded through a shark tank. Instead, it left an aftertaste in my mouth that even Everclear and listerine couldn't wash out.

I wanna say this first: I don't have a problem with short guys. At my current height of 5'8", on a good day, it's inbred in me to cheer for the short guys. I love Darren Sproles, J.J. Barea, David Eckstein, Martin Short, Michael J. Fox, Tom Cruise and a slew of other midgetesque entertainers.

Sproles is that shifty running back that defenses lose sight of as soon as he hits the line of scrimmage. Barea makes seemingly impossible reverse layups over giant like statues of defenders. Eckstein was the improbable MVP of the 2006 World Series despite being overlooked by many teams his entire career. Short went virtually unnoticed during the better part of the 80's until his lead role alongside Danny Glover in the 1989 blockbuster, Pure Luck. Fox is Canadian. Cruise is some sort of demigod within his own religion...or something like that.

These guys are all role models for us short guys. The unwritten code among short guys goes something like this: We always have each others back. No matter what. Whether it's for an Emmy, Grammy, MVP, re-election, back-alley fight, it doesn't matter.

After the past three years of watching a midget should-be gymnast, Nate Robinson, win the NBA Slam Dunk Competition, I've had enough. The code can no longer interfere with my passion for the NBA and their celebrated "larger" than life competition. I'm putting my foot down and begging for a new rule to be enforced..."You must be this tall to ride this ride". Please, Mr. Stern.

The "show" that was put on last night by a midget and three nobodies was the most disappointing professional skills competition since they had pro athletes on American Gladiators. About midway through the second round, Charles Barkley said it best, "These guys better show us something before the crowd gets up and walks out." I'm sure the execs at TNT cringed when Chuck busted out with his disappointing comments, but he was simply stating the obvious.

If that's the best the NBA has to offer when it comes to a dunking competition, maybe they need to provide some incentives for the real big boys to come out and play. There was no way in hell that LeBron James or Kobe Bryant was going to compete in last night's dunk contest against a midget and a bunch of nobodies. What was there to gain?

In the 80's and 90's the dunk contest was all about pride and becoming a legend by doing something creative that no one had ever seen before. Think about guys like Dee Brown, Shawn Kemp, Harold Miner, Isaiah Rider, or Vince Carter. They will always be remembered more for their dunks than anything else they've accomplished on the court. Nowadays, the guys like LeBron and Kobe don't want to compete, because if they embarrass themselves, their ego would take a big hit and it might affect their current "legendary status". So, they play it safe.

Let me ask you something, why is LeBron already considered a legend in the same breath as Michael Jordan? Simply, the NBA's marketing juggernaut alongside Nike have made everyone believe that he's more of a legend than he really is. He has zero championships (Jordan had 6). He has two bronze medals and one gold (Jordan won two gold). He has one scoring title (Jordan had 10 scoring titles and an NCAA title). He's never won defensive player of the year. He's won zero slam-dunk competitions (Jordan won two). What I'm saying here is that he's not even close to Jordan and he never will be.

I don't care if he's only 25. He'll never catch up to Jordan in any of these categories...except one, the dunk contest. Lebron has the opportunity to seal his place in NBA folklore with some jaw dropping dunk contest performances that will put him in the same breath as Kobe and Jordan, even if he never wins a championship. But, if he doesn't win a championship or a dunk contest, he'll go down in history as the most selfish, over-hyped, over-rated player to ever play in the NBA.

Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban has a great idea for fixing the dunk contest. He says to put up a million dollars and a super sports car and have a no holds barred winner take all contest . Anyone in the NBA can sign up. You get one dunk. Best dunk wins. The cash goes to the charity of their choice and the player keeps the car. Everyone would watch that, right? I believe that most of the big names in the NBA, including an arthritic Shaquille O'Neal, would compete in it.

Let me know what you think. Did you guys even watch the dunk contest last night? Did you not tune in because of the poor quality of dunkers? Did you tivo it like me and were damn glad that you didn't watch it live? Did you just not care at all?

Shout Outs to the NBA

Now that basketball season has officially begun, I've decided to add some posts about the NBA and maybe some college-hoops (Mostly regarding prospects). Here are just a few of my views on the NBA just 12 games into the season.

A few rants and raves about the NBA:

• How did Brandon Jennings slip to the number 10 pick in the draft? Every scout apparently fell asleep on this guy after his season-long charade in Italy last year. I believe they're realizing this kid has the ceiling of Isaiah Thomas and the floor of Allen Iverson, in terms of potential. I’m not kidding. He’s really that impressive. Check out the following link to some highlights of his 55 point barrage of Golden State here
  
• 2. The Oklahoma City Thunder at 6-6, are the second most surprising team this far into the season. They have notched victories against Orlando, Detroit, San Antonio, and Miami. Not to mention, they lost by 3 in over-time to the defending champs. Their nucleus of Kevin Durant, Jeff Green, and Russell Westbrook seem to have found their identities and have settled into roles that bring out the best of their abilities night in and night out. Now if only this trend could catch on with the Clippers…
• 3. Mavs Fan Alert! Dirk Nowitzki is averaging career-bests in points, blocks, turnovers, and minutes this season for an overachieving Mavs team filled with dead weight. Dirk has been needed to carry the likes of Drew Gooden, Tim Thomas, Jason Kidd, Josh Howard, and Shawn Marion. Each of whom have such fatal basketball flaws that it’s a surprise that Nowitzki hasn’t gone ballistic and just walked off the court. Instead, he’s single-handedly turned the Mavs into contenders again and making his best case for MVP since his 2006-07 campaign. (To all of you Dirk haters: Please comeback and read this in June)
• 4. The LeBron James free agency saga is, um, how can I put this….He’s going to New York. Just look at his facial expressions during the game. The raised eyebrows and piercing stares that Lebron dishes out every time Side Show Bob gets dunked on while attempting to take a charge, leave zero doubt that he’s already contacted a real estate agent. He’s leaving that circus behind in Cleveland for an ever bigger circus in New York. What we don’t know at this point is if he’s going to the Knicks or the Nets. I’d like to lean more towards the Nets because of his ties to Jay-Z and the upside of their current roster.
• 5. Continuing with LeBron…ESPN’s recent attempt to coax readers into believing that James is actually contemplating a jump to the NFL was quite comical. First of all, Lebron doesn't even begin to tip the scales at his listed weight of 250 lbs. If you don’t believe me, compare him to stockier and thicker players in the NBA: Carmelo Anthony – 230 lbs., Al Horford – 245 lbs., Brian Cook – 250 lbs. Incredibly, just as I was typing this post, Jeremy Shockey just tweeted "Trust me everyone, LeBron James can not play in the NFL.". Marshall Faulk responded by saying "The first time he catches one over the middle, gets hit, and the official doesn't throw the flag and give him two shots...he'll quit.".Enough said.
  

NBA games of note this weekend:

Friday - 11/20

Houston (7-5) @ Atlanta (10-2) – Calvin Murphy is torn when rooting during this game because of his tutorship of Josh Smith and guess what…I love it. I’m all for any sort of mental anguish the Murph is subjected to. I can’t even begin to tell you the number of accidents this man’s radio show has caused in Houston rush hour traffic.

Orlando (9-3) @ Boston (9-3) – A rematch of last year’s Eastern Conference Semifinals should surely entertain, and so should the commercials. One should expect to see many male enhancement spots and a handful of prostate relief advertisements during any Celtic game this season. We haven’t seen a collection of past-their-prime-but-not-yet-over-the-hill stars that were under this much pressure since Oceans 13.

Saturday - 11/21

New York (2-9) @ New Jersey (0-12) – The NFL equivalent would be the Browns @ Lions...what did sports fans do to get so lucky this weekend? They could pit the winner of this game against the loser of the NCAA Tournament play-in game and Vegas still might consider giving it a pick’em status.

Chicago (6-4) @ Denver (8-3) – This should be an interesting match up Chicago’s stingy defense and Denver’s high octane offense. This game could also mark the beginning of an intriguing weird hair rivalry between Joakim Noah and Chris Andersen.

Sunday – 11/22

New Orleans (4-8) @ Miami (7-4) – Record wise, this match up won’t jump out at you. Star wise, Dwayne Wade and Chris Paul make any game a little more interesting. This game is also brings together two of the top 25 Crime Infested Cities in the US (#8 N.O. vs. #19 Mia). I believe Miami could make a strong case for the top 10 with a victory over the Sodomesque city from the bayou.

Oklahoma City (6-6) @ LA Lakers (8-3) – Kevin Durant and the Thunder look to avenge a previous overtime loss to the Lakers. If Durant could notch a win on the road against the league’s best player, immediate respect will soon follow.