Heisman Trophy Jinx?

The following exchange was taken from a future conversation at the Downtown Athletic Club in New York on, or around the night of December 11, 2009:

(Silence in the room...)

Trophy Presenter: Let me ask you guys again, which one of you really, and I mean REALLY, wants to win this year's Heisman Trophy?

(...more silence)

Tim Tebow: Here we go again. You know, this is the third time that I've been invited to this crappy event and I just wish you guys would leave me alone. I've sacrificed enough already. Friday nights are game nights for my bible study, and tonight I'm missing Settlers of Catan. Plus, I could really use this time to work on my throwing mechanics and try to impress the NFL scouts with another heroic performance in a bowl game.

Mark Ingram: What's with this dark room? Why are all the doors locked?

Ndamakong Suh: Look, I didn't come all the way from Nebraska to be involved in some crazy head game. I came to win what's rightfully mine.

Toby Gerhart: Wait, I thought members of the media voted for the winner?

T.P.: Mr. Gerhart, you surprise me. I certainly would have pegged you as a historian of the game, especially coming from Stanford, a program with such academic tradition. Gentlemen, all of you must realize the profound risk you're taking by accepting or declining this prestigious award. Over the past 20 years, many of the game's greatest players have come before you, in this very room, and decided their own fates. This is far from a game, as Mr. Suh would have you believe, it's your future.

Colt McCoy (shocked): Jeez, you guys were serious last year. Bradford had me convinced this was all just a hoax and he accepted the award because he's claustrophobic and has bladder control problems when he's locked in a dark room, or maybe that only happens in the huddle. Darn it Suh, why'd you have to hit me so many times last week?

T.P.: As you all know, Sam Bradford was the gracious recipient of the trophy last year and surprised us all when he chose to stay in school for another year of "seasoning". Shortly after the ceremony, we cautioned Mr. Bradford about the, um...side effects of winning our coveted award. He refused to listen to the voice of reason that encouraged him to enter the NFL draft and become financially secure before any forces that the trophy may exert could affect him negatively.

McCoy: You're telling me that the trophy was responsible for Sam's injury?

T.P.: Not completely. It was Mr. Bradford's fate. He watched his entire offensive line leave for the NFL and/or graduate and it was he, himself, who decided to carry the hopes and dreams of an entire state on his "shoulders". Sadly, that was such a tremendous amount of pressure that, in the end, his shoulder just couldn't withstand.

Tebow: Why didn't anything happen to me the past two seasons, after becoming the first sophomore ever to win the Heisman?

T.P.: Tim, sometimes the trophy waits to unleash it's powers until a player begins his career in the NFL.

Gerhart: So, are you saying that there's a guarantee that something bad will happen to whoever accepts the Heisman Trophy?

T.P.: Gentlemen, the numbers don't lie. Success in the NFL has eluded even the best of college players over the past 20 years. Let me give you some examples: Andre Ware, Ty Detmer, Gino Torretta, Charlie Ward, Rashan Salaam, Danny Wuerffel, Ron Dayne, Chris Weinke, Eric Crouch, Jason White, Matt Leinart, and Troy Smith...

Gerhart: If my Stanford math is accurate, that's 12 out of the last 20 and it doesn't even include Bradford and Tebow.

T.P.: That's right. Even in the rare case in which the Heisman trophy winner had moderate success in the NFL, the trophy showed no mercy. Ricky Williams tested positive for marijuana and took a year off to smoke drugs and learn the ancient Indian system of holistic medicine. Eddie George performed particularly well for a Heisman winner, but his Titans came up one yard short in Super Bowl XXXIV. Another winner, Carson Palmer, led the Bengals to an 11-5 record and a division title in only his second season as starter. He then suffered a career threatening knee injury on his first ever pass attempt in the playoffs. Shall I keep going?

Suh: What about Charles Woodson, the last defensive player to win the Heisman?

T.P.: Charles had experienced great success in both his college and pro careers, but as you may have already guessed, the Heisman curse struck again at the most unfortunate of times. Woodson's sack and forced fumble on Tom Brady in the snow covered 2002 AFC Divisional playoff game appeared to have propelled the Raiders to a surefire victory. After a long review of the play, the referees ruled in favor of the Patriots and Mr. Brady, claiming his arm was moving forward at the time of the fumble. Vinatieri nails a 23 yarder for the victory.

Tebow: Look guys, don't let this clown scare you. Those are all just strange coincidences that happen to involve Heisman Trophy winners. Take it from me, the trophy has given me many blessings over the past two years and I don't expect any of that to change.

McCoy: But Tim, what if you get drafted by the Browns?

Gerhart: Or even worse, Colt...the Raiders? Holy smokes. You can count me out.

Tebow: Yeah, I don't really want to chance that whole Raiders thing. I'm gonna leave this one up to the man upstairs. I'm out.

McCoy: We fought hard all season long and I want to win the national championship this year. I'm out.

Suh: The only rule the NFL is going to make that involves my name will be because I tore off some quarterback's head. I'm out.

(All four seniors stare at Mark Ingram)

to be continued...